Emotional Vulnerability

It has dawned upon me that I find difficulty  in expressing my emotions to two particular groups of people. They seize two extreme opposing ends of the spectrum. One would be strangers and the other would be loved ones that I am extremely close to. It is normal of me to delve and discuss my feelings and emotions with others. I am able to express myself coherently yet when it comes to these 2 groups I crash into an ominous hard wall. There is a fear factor that I face. A fear that I can’t quite decipher nor place a finger on.

The loved ones that I am extremely close to only consists of three people; my father, mother and grandparents. When I am with them, emotions are a taboo. Crying is completely out of the question. Melancholy turns into poison. I would try my utmost best to contain my sadness and tears inside of me whenever a misfortune happens in the family. However,  in the rare times when emotions do spill out they become agonizingly shameful. In my perspective, there is nothing worse in this world than crumbling into an emotional wreck right before your parents’ eyes. There is a mantra in my mind that I must be strong for them. If I were weak how would I be able to support them?

So what do my loved ones and strangers share in common? With them, I portray an image of perfection. That’s it. I idealize myself as the perfect, strong-headed and flawless daughter who will take everything into her stride. The confident stranger who has her life sorted out.

With my friends and close friends my emotions are definitely more transparent because I guess I’m alright with them witnessing my weaknesses. After all, I do need to vent some emotions out lest I turn insane.

A second 

I know you are looking so closely at him. You are looking at his hard solid retreating back – wishing you could discover the secrets buried deep within. Moments such as this make you shudder with a fear you can’t place a finger on. The sight of him walking away instills a burning desire in you to stab the merciless hands of time – so that everything will freeze. In your mind, you run up to him in his frozen state. Your body is a cage of emotions yearning for sweet release. 
You stand before him and smile – one of the greatest gifts to ever bestow upon someone. 
Extending your hand towards his face – you want nothing more than to remove the sadness that sinks into his cheeks. 
You place a finger below his chin and gently lift it up – you wish he knew how significant his existence was – dreams are above – so look up
As for his onyx-coloured eyes peaking out of black-framed glasses – you’ll do well to immerse yourself in them

Snap. Reality snatches you back. Time has once more successfully played her cards against you. His retreating figure is still within sight. Your mouth remains stitched and your imaginations shatter. With clutched hands trembling – you begin walking away into an unknown future. 

with heart to spare

This is a beautifully written poem. (All ownership goes to the poet)

^_^

//with heart to spare, i’m still here, writing and reading ~ though time has had its say on my face, a bit of graffiti etched around eyes and lips and more than a hitch or two in my get-along, a fair amount of pain but I am still here with heart to spare and time for reading and writing ~ nothing […]

http://musingbymoonlight.com/2016/02/07/with-heart-to-spare/

Truth Or Dare

Today marks my blog’s second birthday!!! ^_^ (Feeling much like a happy mom)

I received this question from my friend a few days back. 

If you had an album to represent your blog which one would it be?

The answer came quick to me because it was actually a music album that gave me the ultimate drive to start out my blog despite my self-doubts.

“Truth Or Dare by Automatic Loveletter,” I replied.

I remember having that album on repeat in my playlist for several days before I gathered the courage to type down my first post. The lyrics and the rhythm of the music just spurred me on.

Truth Or Dare is the debut album of Automatic Loveletter band. The lyrics are raw and utterly beautiful. Juliet Simms, the lead singer and songwriter of the band is authentic. Her raspy and sultry voice is absolutely captivating. I love every single track. The themes of the album encompass life, love and pain in all different aspects. It is her reflection of her journey and I always feel like joining along with her. It is thrilling to listen to the songs as there is immense and intense passion.

After much replaying of Truth Or Dare I came to the decision to have my own kind of reflection that I could share and communicate with others.

Yes and that’s when I turned to WordPress. Then came the naming of the blog. Well one of the tracks in Truth Or Dare was called Butterflies and it was certainly a song that I danced crazily to. I loved the upbeat rhythm of the song as well as the lyrics. Aside from butterflies being the name of a song I also chose butterflies for what they symbolize.

The most common emotion associated  with butterflies is happiness whilst I associate them with pain and victory. Their transformation from a caterpillar to an adult butterfly is torturous. I once came across an article that related a story of how a man thought he was helping the butterfly to escape the caccoon by breaking it. The result ended in the butterfly being unable to fly and eventually meeting death quickly . This shows that butterflies are destined to break their own caccoons in order to achieve success for their wings to fly. The most amazing yet heart-wrenching fact is that only they can break their own caccoons. No one else. This means that they have to struggle first in order to achieve victory. Reading that article was tremendously inspirational. It made me realise how similar we are to butterflies. Our pain is ours alone and its up to us to break out of it. There is so much to learn from butterflies.

I’d like to think I was a butterfly in another lifetime because I see so much of myself in that particular insect. My mom called me her little butterfly when I was a child. She still does. I guess I’ll always be little in her eyes. Hahahahaha! As I grew up I realized what she meant. I was a stubborn child who refused to sleep and would always run around in a frenzy. I brought happiness to my parents and my grandparents. I enjoyed being the star of the show. I loved showering everyone with my silliness if it made them happy. I was in love with the happiness of others. I was full of life. I believe I still am and so is everyone. Being full of life does not necessarily mean you are an extrovert 24/7. In fact I lean more towards introversion.

Pain does not justify blindness to the beauty of this world. Blindess is self inflicted. I believe pain and beauty are companions. You need one to appreciate the other. That’s what I’ve been striving for in my blog. I want to prove to myself that pain and beauty are able to coexist through my writings and poems. I want to look back on all these someday and smile through all the anguish. I chose to describe the butterflies as bleeding because it represents the brutality of the agony that we constantly experience. We are not living in Wonderland. Our world is plagued by corruption and darkness but it is still possible to smile through it all.

butterflies

 

Favourite Tracks

  • Don’t Let Me Down
  • Fade Away
  • Story of My Life
  • Let It Ride
  • Butterflies