Comrade

Walking away is never an easy task to execute no matter how right it is. We’re always waiting for the right time and the right place to properly carry it out. The truth is that there are no right timings and places. We have to make it the right time and the right place. As to why we are always waiting? That’s because we’re scared to step out of our comfort zones. We know that once we walk away, that’s synonymous with dropping a bomb. Everything will change within a matter of seconds and breaths. And I mean everything. We as humans seek familiarity and comfort. To walk away is actually maddening. Who would ever inflict such pain on themselves voluntarily? Knowing that their own fingers were the ones to press the red button. As to being able to properly carry it out? Well, there’s no such thing as a proper break-up/fall out with anyone close to you in your life. The magnitude of the hurt and pain is inevitable. The aftermath that follows it will be purely catastrophic. You see when we think of the “proper” way, we are subconsciously protecting our self-image and the image portrayed to others. This ultimately boils back down to our comfort zones which include our images. When we are the ones to walk away, we are risking our good images by putting ourselves in the negative stereotypical position of the antagonist. The cards will not easily be in our favour when gaining support. Why? Because naturally we started the explosion. Ironically enough, it will also be difficult to gain support from our own selves. You know that popular quote of wisdom, “you are your own worst enemy”? Yeah, that will really come into play here.

Now, bearing all these disastrous implications in mind is it still worth it to walk away? Yes. Especially when it is the best thing for you at that given time. Through it all,  you’ll gain a vital life skill. Strength. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to stand up for what you believe in and walk away knowing that you’ll put everything at risk. Think of it as jumping off from a cliff and plunging straight into deep waters. Sometimes you have to break first in order to better yourself.

This is for you. Many years down the road from now, I’ll look back and I’ll admit that you were my hardest goodbye. Do you think it is any easier for me right now? Do you think I’m having the time of my life cutting you off? No. It. Is. So. Damn. Hard. Believe me when I say that the thought of fixing everything up has crossed my mind several times. To come back to you and restart. It seems like such an easy way out right? But no. That would put my efforts to waste and make all the pain fruitless. I chose to walk away because you were toxic to me in a way I could never fully explain. I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much right now. I underestimated how much of an impact I had in your life. For that I’m sorry. However, I do not regret a single word I said to you. You needed to hear them; the words that I had bottled up inside of me for so long. I was always afraid to offend you and it was all about you. A dangerous attachment to you was forming and I knew it was one that would be detrimental to me. So when I did finally gather the courage to speak up everything exploded. I must say I’m proud of myself for finally standing up. I will never be somebody I’m not. Yes my words were truly harsh, cold and brutal. I struck your weakest part. But above all, my words were honest. They were the truth. My truth. To me, that was the most sincere and genuine gift. The greatest gift I would ever give.  I could have walked away without explaining anything. I could have simply disappeared. You deserved more than that. Knowing that backing everything up with reasons is one strict principle of yours. If you ask me now, I cared for you back then, I still do and I always will. Why did you think I presented my goodbye with reasons? It was for you. Now I’ve realised and accepted that I can never truly cut you off my life. My immediate life, yes. But not entirely. In a world where you are, I will always feel your essence deep within me. No matter the distance, I will always hear the flickering of your light bulb wherever you go. No matter who we’re with in future, no one can ever replace you. You were not my friend nor my lover. You played a role that only comes once in a  lifetime. You were my mind twin. You always will be. 

Emotional Vulnerability

It has dawned upon me that I find difficulty  in expressing my emotions to two particular groups of people. They seize two extreme opposing ends of the spectrum. One would be strangers and the other would be loved ones that I am extremely close to. It is normal of me to delve and discuss my feelings and emotions with others. I am able to express myself coherently yet when it comes to these 2 groups I crash into an ominous hard wall. There is a fear factor that I face. A fear that I can’t quite decipher nor place a finger on.

The loved ones that I am extremely close to only consists of three people; my father, mother and grandparents. When I am with them, emotions are a taboo. Crying is completely out of the question. Melancholy turns into poison. I would try my utmost best to contain my sadness and tears inside of me whenever a misfortune happens in the family. However,  in the rare times when emotions do spill out they become agonizingly shameful. In my perspective, there is nothing worse in this world than crumbling into an emotional wreck right before your parents’ eyes. There is a mantra in my mind that I must be strong for them. If I were weak how would I be able to support them?

So what do my loved ones and strangers share in common? With them, I portray an image of perfection. That’s it. I idealize myself as the perfect, strong-headed and flawless daughter who will take everything into her stride. The confident stranger who has her life sorted out.

With my friends and close friends my emotions are definitely more transparent because I guess I’m alright with them witnessing my weaknesses. After all, I do need to vent some emotions out lest I turn insane.

with heart to spare

This is a beautifully written poem. (All ownership goes to the poet)

^_^

//with heart to spare, i’m still here, writing and reading ~ though time has had its say on my face, a bit of graffiti etched around eyes and lips and more than a hitch or two in my get-along, a fair amount of pain but I am still here with heart to spare and time for reading and writing ~ nothing […]

http://musingbymoonlight.com/2016/02/07/with-heart-to-spare/

Truth Or Dare

Today marks my blog’s second birthday!!! ^_^ (Feeling much like a happy mom)

I received this question from my friend a few days back.

If you had an album to represent your blog which one would it be?

The answer came quick to me because it was actually a music album that gave me the ultimate drive to start out my blog despite my self-doubts.

“Truth Or Dare by Automatic Loveletter,” I replied.

I remember having that album on repeat in my playlist for several days before I gathered the courage to type down my first post. The lyrics and the rhythm of the music just spurred me on.

Truth Or Dare is the debut album of Automatic Loveletter band. The lyrics are raw and utterly beautiful. Juliet Simms, the lead singer and songwriter of the band is authentic. Her raspy and sultry voice is absolutely captivating. I love every single track. The themes of the album encompass life, love and pain in all different aspects. It is her reflection of her journey and I always feel like joining along with her. It is thrilling to listen to the songs as there is immense and intense passion.

After much replaying of Truth Or Dare I came to the decision to have my own kind of reflection that I could share and communicate with others.

Yes and that’s when I turned to WordPress. Then came the naming of the blog. Well one of the tracks in Truth Or Dare was called Butterflies and it was certainly a song that I danced crazily to. I loved the upbeat rhythm of the song as well as the lyrics. Aside from butterflies being the name of a song I also chose butterflies for what they symbolize.

The most common emotion associated  with butterflies is happiness whilst I associate them with pain and victory. Their transformation from a caterpillar to an adult butterfly is torturous. I once came across an article that related a story of how a man thought he was helping the butterfly to escape the caccoon by breaking it. The result ended in the butterfly being unable to fly and eventually meeting death quickly . This shows that butterflies are destined to break their own caccoons in order to achieve success for their wings to fly. The most amazing yet heart-wrenching fact is that only they can break their own caccoons. No one else. This means that they have to struggle first in order to achieve victory. Reading that article was tremendously inspirational. It made me realise how similar we are to butterflies. Our pain is ours alone and its up to us to break out of it. There is so much to learn from butterflies.

I’d like to think I was a butterfly in another lifetime because I see so much of myself in that particular insect. My mom called me her little butterfly when I was a child. She still does. I guess I’ll always be little in her eyes. Hahahahaha! As I grew up I realized what she meant. I was a stubborn child who refused to sleep and would always run around in a frenzy. I brought happiness to my parents and my grandparents. I enjoyed being the star of the show. I loved showering everyone with my silliness if it made them happy. I was in love with the happiness of others. I was full of life. I believe I still am and so is everyone. Being full of life does not necessarily mean you are an extrovert 24/7. In fact I lean more towards introversion.

Pain does not justify blindness to the beauty of this world. Blindess is self inflicted. I believe pain and beauty are companions. You need one to appreciate the other. That’s what I’ve been striving for in my blog. I want to prove to myself that pain and beauty are able to coexist through my writings and poems. I want to look back on all these someday and smile through all the anguish. I chose to describe the butterflies as bleeding because it represents the brutality of the agony that we constantly experience. We are not living in Wonderland. Our world is plagued by corruption and darkness but it is still possible to smile through it all.

butterflies

 

Favourite Tracks

  • Don’t Let Me Down
  • Fade Away
  • Story of My Life
  • Let It Ride
  • Butterflies

Ithaka by C.P Cavafy

One of my favourite poems that I’d like to share. Hope you’ll have fun discovering the little hidden gems in between the lines and may they bring you on a journey of self-exploration.

As you set out for Ithaka

hope your road is a long one,

full of adventure, full of discovery,

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them:

you’ll never find things like that on your way

as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,

as long as a rare excitement

stirs your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians, Cyclops,

wild Poseidon – you won’t encounter them

unless you bring them along inside your soul,

unless your soul sets them up  in front of you.

 

Hope your road is a long one.

May there be many summer mornings when,

with what pleasure, what joy,

you enter harbours you’re seeing for the first time;

may you stop at Phoenician trading stations

to buy fine things,

mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,

sensual perfume of every kind –

as many sensual perfumes as you can;

and may you visit many Egyptian cities

to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

 

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.

Arriving there is what you’re destined for.

But don’t hurry the journey at all.

Better if it lasts for years,

so you’re old by the time you reach the island,

wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,

not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

 

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.

Without her you wouldn’t have set out.

She has nothing left to give you now.

 

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have

fooled you.

Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,

you’ll have to understand by then what these

Ithakas mean.

C.P. Cavafy

 

translated from the Greek by  Edmund Keeley & Philip Sherrard